Oh · What · A · View!

When i found out that I could use up my 10 working days on holiday leave before moving on to my next job I was disappointed because of the off skew timing. Had this been "planned", i would have taken a trip somewhere. It seems almost cinmeaic- you have a girl who hasn't had a true holiday since she graduated and is on the verge of a new job. In between that she takes a life-changing journey that will, uh...change her life. Nyahahaha.

Instead, I find myself at home. I expected it to be really mediocre but now I realize that time is actually speeding by fast. I have 4 days left to this holiday, and here's me wanting more.

To begin with, I started working on the World Youth Alliance training. I come from a corporate comm background so, even if the readings are starting to make my eyes bleed, i really appreciate the discussions on development, politics, international cooperation, etc. Then I had my hair cut, almost chin-length, like it used to be in college (except edgier) and my nails done. Some time ago, I took up bead works as a hobby...it was more constructive to pour my energy into twisting wire and lobster locks instead of gleefuly fantasizing about twisting the devil boss's neck. 5 people have bought what i made, which is really thrilling. Somebody actually wants to wear something I made. That thought- more than anything else, like money- is whats making me so addicted to this new hobby. Last Monday, i went over abscbn and it was like walking into a time pocket. Most of the familiar faces were there. I sat for about an hour at Yel's desk (instead of mine) and gave it a kiss before I left. I think he might have found that funny. Last night I watched "Carmen" with Dac. As usual, we were a few decades too young, except for little 8 year old girls in their fancy frocks, forced to go by their half-spanish grandparents. Tomorrow, im meeting up with my favorite cousin, after, of course, he spends quality time with his girlfriend. The day after, will be my day with my childhood best friends. And i am about to have lunch now with my mom, something we haven't done in ages.

You don't have to travel to rediscover or to find yourself. These 2 weeks were really what I needed and I wouldn't have it any other way.

GOODBYE, LENIN!





"October, 1989 was a bad time to fall into a coma if you lived in East Germany--and this is precisely what happened to Alex’s proudly socialist mother. Alex has a big problem on his hands when she suddenly awakens eight months later. Her heart is so weak that any shock might kill her. And what could be more shocking than the fall of the Berlin Wall and the triumph of capitalism in her beloved East..."

Loved it, loved it, loved it.  I'm not very articulate right now so let me just list down why:

1. The son, Alex (the very gorgeous Daniel Bruhl) moves heaven and earth to recreate East Germany from the sick room because he loves his dying mum. And he achives it without going into lengthy dialogues or hysterics.
2. I've learned so much about East and West Germany by being fed facts; its refreshing to see how the divide actually shaped two very different societies.
3. There are so many emotional layers and sub stories that the director leaves you to develop on your own. For instance, you dont know if Alex's mum didn't follow her husband to the West because she was too afraid of being caught or if she was too in love and entrenched in her socialist way of life to leave it.
4. I love the scene where Alex proudly shows his mum his last fake news reel. The mum knows the truth but keeps up the act and looks at her son (from behind, so he doesn't it) with an expression of total tenderness and gratitude.

Are you still reading this? Watch it. Heres the schedule:

At the Shangri-la Mall

October 5, Thursday
3:00PM to 5:00PM - Goodbye Lenin
5:00PM to 7:00PM - Go for Zucker
7:00PM to 9:00PM - The Other Final
9:00PM to 11:00PM - Goodbye Lenin

October 6, Friday
1:00PM to 3:00PM - Goodbye Lenin
3:00PM to 5:00PM - Go for Zucker
5:00PM to 7:00PM - Soundless
7:00PM to 9:00PM - Go for Zucker
9:00PM to 11:00PM - The Other Final

I was cleaning my inbox and found this. I highlighted the portions that I particularly agree with.

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you
stop going along with the crowd and start realizing
that there are many things about yourself that you
didn't know and may not like.You start feeling
insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or
two, but then get scared because you barely know
where you are now. You start realizing that people
are selfish and that, maybe, those
friends that you thought you were so close to
aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever
met, and the people you have lost touch with are
some of the most important ones.

What you don't recognize is that they are realizing
that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or
insincere, but that they are as confused as you.
You look at your job... and it is not even close to
what you thought you would be doing, or maybe
you are looking for a job and realizing that you are
going to have to start at the bottom and that
scares you. Your opinions have gotten stronger.
You see what others are doing and find yourself
judging more than usual because suddenly you
realize that you have certain boundaries in your life
and are constantly adding things to your list of
what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute,
you are insecure and then the next, secure.

You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your
life. You feel alone and scared and confused.
Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and
cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize
that the past is drifting further and further away,
and there is nothing to do but stay where you are
or move forward. You get your heart broken and
wonder how someone you loved could do such
damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why
you can't meet anyone decent enough that you
want to get to know better. Or maybe you love
someone but love someone else too and cannot
figure out why you are doing this because you
know that you aren't a bad person. One night
stands and random hook ups start to look cheap.
Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to
look pathetic. You go through the same emotions
and questions over and over, and talk with your
friends about the same topics because you cannot
seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans, money, the future and
making a life for yourself... and while winning the
race would be great, right now you'd just like to be
a contender! What you may not realize is that
everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our
best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard
as we can to figure this whole thing out.

GOOD LUCK TO ALL OF US!!

I resigned from my job today. I dont know what the heck is wrong with me- im exhibiting the symptoms of a bad break up. The littlest things (like bringing my travel magnets home) trigger dark moods that are difficult to shake off. When i broke the news, for the first time, to my colleagues, i almost broke into tears. Very embarassing. I'm supposed to be feeling carefree, happy. When i resigned from ABSCBN i was practically doing cartwheels in the halls.

I have to keep reminding myself that im moving on to something much better. But thats the thing. I know that my previous job was bad for my growth and that i had to leave before it drove me insane but walking out feels so horrible. I look down on people who stick to terrible relationships even when they are fully aware that it is terrible. Maybe this is how it feels like. Its bad for you but you just cant tear yourself away from it.

Perhaps it has something to do with being young and working for an NGO. In my corporate job, sweat fueled money and ambition driven dreams. But with this...all i can say is that with an NGO, you cannot help but invest passion and hope into what you do. When things dont work out, you keenly feel the failure. Emotion was invested so emotion will take its toll.

So how does one wing this? How does one wing a terrible relationship? By pinning one's hopes on the next one. By telling one's self that it will never happen again.

On my very first day in Europe i felt...soggy. Like a piece of toast that has soaked up bacon oil and runny eggs, left on the table too long. 16 hours on a plane will do that to you. So will a last minute change of check in counters. Co-participant Mark and I ran through what felt like one end of the gigantic Frankfurt airport to the other. I had my big backpack strapped on and, i swear, there were moments when i could almost feel myself tip over backwards because of the weight.

The closest i felt to excitement was a moment of panic. As we approached immigration check everybody whipped out their invitation letters. All i had was my passport and saltine pretzels from the plane. Ah well, if they didn't beleive that i was a leadership training fellow then plan B was to pretend to be a World Cup groupie. The visa officewr turned out to be quite cute so i just decided to use charm. I'm kidding (well, a bit). Anyway, he let me through without a fuss.

It felt good to be finally in Cologne-Bonn soon after. We were greeted with piped music and a husky voice over at the airport: "Welcome to Bonn. Cologne-Bonn" . Was this German humor kicking in?

The drive to the academy was my favorite part. The drive through the countryside was lovely...fir trees, a faint outline of mountains, and gorgeous cars whizzing by. Beside me, my co-participants were chattering about their favorite World Cup teams and the possibility of going to Cologne in the evening to watch a match (impossible, we would find out later).

Soggy but happy, thats what i was.

Welcome to Germany...

My previous entry must have been really vague. Understand that it was a result of jet lag, expensive internet rental (2 euros per hour, which i would find out, was not a bad rate after all when you are in europe), and a foreign keypad setup. So all the writing was reserved for THE moleskine notebook.

The moleskine is the legendary notebook used by great thinkers and writers from the past 2 centuries, both real (Hemingway, Van Gogh) and unreal (Amelie, Indiana Jones, Robert Langdon). My cousin convinced me to buy it. I must say that i was, at first, not very impressed by how it looked and the price (i should insert an expletive here). But now im really glad i bought it. Whenever i flip through the notebook, i fondly think about the stacks of moleskines i will collect in the future. Im also glad i forced myself to write on it every night, even though i simply wanted to drop dead from exhaustion. Its in there- parts about wanting to go to sleep or drop dead from exhaustion- but so were impressions and quirky thoughts that i would probably have forgotten about. From time to time there would even be doodles. I dont think i can ever claim to a notebook or planner that is doodle-free.

So i will just be drawing out portions of whatever i wrote in the moleskine into this blog for the next couple of entries.

I'm not as crazy about football as my younger brothers. Correction: i'm not crazy about any sport. But if i had to choose, it would be football. Filipinos are obsessed over basketball but i think football is more fascinated and fun to watch. Football players are also generally more hot.

I am also terribly fascinated by the football FANS more than anything. FIFA plays tribute to them at http://fifaworldcup.yahoo.com/06/en/w/hfc/fom.html?o=0 . Cant wait to see them for myself in Deutchland.
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The company that makes swiss army knives is missing a mascot.

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The Aryan race has mutated.

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Casting call for "Jewel in the Palace II"

I came across another song about being 23, this one comming from one of my favorite bands, Incubus. What is it really, about being 23?? Both songs tap into truth. Sometimes they even tap into a certain feeling or emotion thats difficut to explain.
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PARDON ME

A decade ago, I never thought I would be,
At twenty-three, on the verge of spontaneous combustion.
Woe-is-me.
But I guess that it comes with the territory,
An omnious landscape of never-ending calamity.
I need you to hear, I need you to see
That I have had all I can take and
Exploding seems like a definate possibility to me.

Chorus
So pardon me while I burst into flames.
I've had enough of this world and it's people's mindless games.
So pardon me while I burn and rise above the flame.
Pardon me, pardon me... I'll never be the same.

Not two days ago, I was having a look in a book
And I saw a picture of a guy fried up above his knees.
I said, "I can relate," cause lately I'vebeen thinking of combustion
As a welcomed vacation from the burdens of the planet Earth.
Like gravity, hypocrisy, and the perils of being in 3-D...
And thinking so much differently.